I really think hospitals and doctors that work with pregnancy and pediatricians need to make more literature available for how to, ya know, work with kids? Because the more conversations we have about spanking (and how it’s ineffective and harmful and does more bad than good), the more I realize that a lot of people don’t know the alternatives. Or like, anything about child development or where misbehavior stems from.
So, as someone who went through childhood development classes in college, works with kids for a living, and knows multiple people who specialized in childhood education, here are some pointers when you are working with kids:
1. Model emotional response for kids. Children are learning how to recognize and respond to their own emotions. All the way up through high school, children’s brains are still developing, and the emotions they are learning to process become more complex. So with really young kids, the easiest way to help them with this is to model emotional self awareness and self care.
- “Oh wow, mommy is feeling angry because the cat made a mess. I’m going to clean this mess and then go sit in my room in the quiet for a short break so I feel better.”
- “You know, I am feeling very sad about not going to the park because it is raining. I bet some hot chocolate and a book would make me feel better.”
- ”Huh, I’m feeling kind of cranky and hungry, but daddy won’t be home for dinner for another hour. I bet I’ll feel better if I eat a little piece apple while we wait.”
2. Understand what causes child frustration and work to preempt it.
- -Transitions (from one activity to another, getting in the car, etc) can be stressful, especially if the activity or location they are leaving is fun. Give kids a warning when this is going to happen. With young kids, give them about 5-15 minutes of warning (”10 minutes until we are going to leave the park and go home. Do your last thing.”), with older kids, just give them a time frame. (We are can play at McDonalds for 30 minutes, but then we have to go grocery shopping, ok?)
- Not being able to communicate what they want to is frustrating. Babies can learn simplified baby sign language months before they are verbal. Kids may not know the words for what they are trying to say. Be patient and help them find the right words. On a similar note, don’t ignore kids. If you really can’t respond to their question right away because of something else, at least tell the “Yes, I heard your question. I’ll answer you as soon as I’m done talking on the phone.”
- Not being able to make choices or having too much choice can be overwhelming. Give kids a limited, reasonable selection of choices. “Do you want apple slices or juicy pears on the side for lunch?” is much better than “What do you want with your sandwich?” or just giving them apple slices. “Do you want to give grandpa a hug or a high five?” is better than demanding they hug grandpa right away.
3. Understand that kids are people to. They will get hungry, tired, an annoyed just like adults do. Sometimes you have to be flexible and give them time to self care. Talk to them, explain things to them, let them be people and not just dolls. “Because I said so” is really unhelpful for a growing kid. “We can’t buy Fruit Loops today because we are already getting Frosted Flakes. We only need one cereal at a time.” is going to do you a lot more favors. “Don’t pick up the glass snow globe. It belongs to grandma and can break easy. She would be sad if we broke it on accident.” is better than “don’t touch that.”
And look, no parent is perfect. No baby sitter, no teacher, no care taker is going to be awesome all the time. And no kid is going to be perfect. They will cry and have tantrums, and not be able to tell you what they need, and be stubborn sometimes. Sometimes they need space, or quiet time. Sometimes they need attention and validation.
But kids learn from every interaction they have, so adults who yell and hit and insult children when they misbehave raise kids who yell and hit and insult others when they feel like they’ve been wronged.
Another good thing to go along with giving kids choices is the ‘now I get to choose’, for situations where you have to give a ‘no’ but want to frame it in a way kids can understand. Example: “You got to make a lot of choices today. Now it’s time for me to make a choice, and my choice is [choice].” This is especially good for things kids do not like but that need to be done, like bathtime or bedtime.
Also, if you give a kid a choice (like, between juice or milk with lunch) and they are not making a choice/trying to choose something that you have not offered, use this: “That was not a choice. [restate choices]. If you do not choose, then I will choose for you.” And then if they don’t make a choice then, you make the choice for them and follow through with that choice. But be sure to give kids time to process all of this, they need time to think about it and come to a conclusion. If we’ve reached the ‘you make a choice, or I will choose for you’ part, I usually give them 15 seconds or so to make a choice before I intervene. And I don’t count down out loud either, I give them time in silence to think and choose. (This is with 1st graders btw, you may need to lengthen or shorten that wait time based on the kid)
Clearly spelling out consequences for unwanted behavior really helps too. You can frame it in a positive or negative light as well, whichever works better for your kid. “If you keep hitting your sister with that stuffed animal, then it will go on top of the fridge until after lunch.” or “When you choose to play nice, then you may join us for a board game.” Make the consequences fit the behavior, and clearly spell it out like that, and you will get results. I use a mix of the positive and negative versions, depending on what fits the situation.
Yes. You should be raising kids to be thoughtful, self sufficient, empathetic people. Not trained dolls.
Taika Waititi at Sundance 2016 for ‘Hunt for the Wilderpeople’!
